I am sharing this, because I know so many suffering from this, and have dealt with it myself. You have permission to share if you think others would be touched:

With The Crying

All my life, I’ve internalized

Yet I’ve managed to be surprised

When I’m feeling so sick, I can hardly move

Or about to blow a gasket, for the slightest thing.

I’ve always felt such pressure

To keep this under wraps

But where the pressure came from

Is not easy to admit.

For you see it came from no one

As badly as from me

Though I’d put the blame on others

Before saying it’s ‘cause of me.

There were many rules that I set for myself

Number 1 being I must never cry

Because for some reason that was the absolute worst

Thing that could happen, especially in a group.

But with the crying went laughter, and even blinking and yawning,

For those things also brought on the dreaded tears.

I could not speak, out of fear that I would lose it

But then became resentful when no one knew what was wrong.

With the crying went so many words and things

I was now put off by Kleenex, even if I had just sneezed

If you asked me ‘are you sad?’ I’d deny it to your face

Even though on the inside, I was in a VERY DARK place.

With the crying went my health

Which surprised me quite a bit.

I began to dread going out

For fear that I’d break down.

Whenever I’d feel that horrid lump of emotion in my throat

I’d force it down to be replaced by nausea, reflux and pain.

With the crying went relationships and fun

I feared watching movies, for fear that I would cry.

I feared hearing stories that were happy or were sad

For fear of a breakdown which would’ve been so bad.

It’s now been past a decade

Since I really let it out.

I’ve got to say at first

I was really proud

To go so long without it,

But now I see I was wrong.

My fear of crying has robbed me and oh so many others

Of oh so very many things, more than listed above.

I do not say all must go and cry

But I pray you learn from my great struggles

And at least try not to force it away.

 Written by: Susi O Fanabba