I am sharing this, because I know so many suffering from this, and have dealt with it myself. You have permission to share if you think others would be touched:
With The Crying
All my life, I’ve internalized
Yet I’ve managed to be surprised
When I’m feeling so sick, I can hardly move
Or about to blow a gasket, for the slightest thing.
I’ve always felt such pressure
To keep this under wraps
But where the pressure came from
Is not easy to admit.
For you see it came from no one
As badly as from me
Though I’d put the blame on others
Before saying it’s ‘cause of me.
There were many rules that I set for myself
Number 1 being I must never cry
Because for some reason that was the absolute worst
Thing that could happen, especially in a group.
But with the crying went laughter, and even blinking and yawning,
For those things also brought on the dreaded tears.
I could not speak, out of fear that I would lose it
But then became resentful when no one knew what was wrong.
With the crying went so many words and things
I was now put off by Kleenex, even if I had just sneezed
If you asked me ‘are you sad?’ I’d deny it to your face
Even though on the inside, I was in a VERY DARK place.
With the crying went my health
Which surprised me quite a bit.
I began to dread going out
For fear that I’d break down.
Whenever I’d feel that horrid lump of emotion in my throat
I’d force it down to be replaced by nausea, reflux and pain.
With the crying went relationships and fun
I feared watching movies, for fear that I would cry.
I feared hearing stories that were happy or were sad
For fear of a breakdown which would’ve been so bad.
It’s now been past a decade
Since I really let it out.
I’ve got to say at first
I was really proud
To go so long without it,
But now I see I was wrong.
My fear of crying has robbed me and oh so many others
Of oh so very many things, more than listed above.
I do not say all must go and cry
But I pray you learn from my great struggles
And at least try not to force it away.
Written by: Susi O Fanabba